


A Lesson in Forgiveness

by fragilespark



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 19:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilespark/pseuds/fragilespark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple post 5x07 "what if Gwen is back to herself" exploratory ficlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lesson in Forgiveness

Gwen woke, the fog of interference still heavy in her mind. The room was peaceful, Arthur a warm weight next to her. She turned to him and the sight of him sleeping comforted her.

The terrible knowledge that she had tried to hurt him drifted to her in fragments. Gwen pulled herself from his side and got out of bed. 

Morgana. 

She took a few deep breaths and walked into the next room. Daggers above her head. No, they were twisted, like roots. The tower. Arthur laughing. Gwen remembered finding comfort in Morgana's embrace and recoiled, backing up against the wall. 

Any reason for her to trust Morgana was lost to years past. The deep horror took her, the realisation that her mind, her hands had been made to act against the ones she loved. The shook as she brought them to her ears. 

Elyan was gone. 

Gwen sank to her knees but her soul was empty as if her grief had already been spent. Had Morgana allowed it? Did Gwen not have a part in his death, at least? 

She had been used again. Arthur could not trust her. The rage on his face when he had confronted her over Lancelot - she had not seen it since but it was clear in her memories now. Everything was the same. She could no longer claim innocence. She had let Morgana in. 

"Guinevere?" 

Gwen gripped the edge of the table and pulled herself up. Her body wanted to stay curled in safety but her self discipline as a servant had only been strengthened from being Queen. 

Arthur walked through. "Are you alright?" 

No, Gwen could not claim innocence, not to herself. She would find a way to protect herself and thus protect Arthur. He stepped toward her and she let out her tense breath in a rush. The fog started to clear. "I could use a hug." 

Arthur smiled and held her, sleep-warm, and Gwen closed her eyes, wondering if they were her first honest words in weeks. 

  
Gwen muddled through the day, lost in contemplation. The Knights treated her with nothing but the utmost respect and courtesy. 

As soon as she saw Merlin, it was clear that he was wary of her. He was watching her and it surprised her just how much of a relief that was. 

She took advantage of the first moment she could catch up to him. 

"Merlin." 

His stance was caught as it often was between walking away and giving his full attention. "Gwen." 

"I think... you know what has been happening to me. Or at least you suspect it." 

Merlin stayed doe-still for a moment before looking around. "Do you know what's happened. What you've done?" 

It hurt. Gwen nodded and looked to the floor. 

"Hey," his tone was softer as he approached, "let's talk, with Gaius too." His voice was low. "It's Morgana, isn't it?" 

Again, all she could do was nod. 

  
"How was it?" Arthur looked up from his paperwork. 

"There's nothing wrong with me, apparently. Just tired." Gwen slid a hand over Arthur's shoulder and he covered it with his. 

"Good." 

"But..." she let go and sat down next to him. "Arthur, I'm sorry I was so insistent over Tyr. I was wrong." 

Arthur shook his head. "You spoke wisely. You were only doing your duty to Camelot." 

"What I mean is... I'm not alright. I haven't been since the Dark Tower." 

"It's understandable," he reached for her hand, "don't be so hard on yourself." 

The faith that she had even had to beg for in the past seemed like it was stifling them now. It was its unwavering nature that made her the most dangerous person in Camelot. She could not tell him everything without damaging it, perhaps forever. 

"You trusted me, but you should trust yourself more." 

Her own thoughts troubled her even now. The cost of her own protection. Sorcerers themselves had wards against each other. Even simple peasants who still believed in the Old Religion strung up herbs and charms at their door in superstition. Just one layer of protection, something to give her a chance, would be enough. 

Gaius would know, and Merlin would understand. Sorcery in the hands of the Queen - that would get her burned for treason as sure as any confession to an assassination attempt. 

All she had to do was make it through the night. 

  
She was quiet over breakfast. 

"Guinevere." Arthur said to her. "You're still doubting yourself. I can see it." 

Gwen wanted to fight against his love because she didn't deserve it. 

When he kissed her hand, she realised she was thinking him a fool for doing so and interrupted that trail of thought. He may be blind to what she had done, but not who she was. Arthur believed in her. He did not know it, but in that she found her own permission to trust herself again. She could blame Morgana for smothering it in her, but only herself for not knowing she needed it. 

Gwen leaned forward and kissed Arthur. She would start by not going behind his back. 

"Arthur." 

"Hmmm?" 

"I know you trust Gaius as much as I do. I'm worried about Morgana's influence. She could use me and I want to stop it from happening-" _again_. 

"Shall we go together?" 

"No," she smiled, "I think I'll be alright on my own."


End file.
